I am happy to report that my temporary insanity in my last post about Bam-Bam's crazy terrible two-ness is now over. No, the "Terrible Two's" are not over...my guilt-ridden anxiety roller coaster has stopped...for now. I feel that perhaps in a moment of mental-momminess I have misrepresented my sweet little boy a tad. And I feel kind of bad for comparing him to the devil and Damian, etc (though it is the way I was feeling in the moment.) Yes - he is insane in the terrible two sense. Yes - he has his moments of going completely berserk. And when those moments occur one after another, I find myself questioning my abilities as a mother. And I kind of wonder if other mom's do the same thing, which I have a hunch they do. Or at least I hope so or else I am a complete loser. I start to think I am inept (i.e. the crumbs in the bottom of the chips bag).
BUT - I will also say that Bam-Bam for the most part is a darling little boy and a total pleasure to be with. Most of the time. Here are some things about my darling that are special and wonderful and things I love about being his mommy:
1) He is the most affectionate and sweet little sucker on the planet. Kisses, hugs and "I Wuv Oo, Mama!" ALL the time. Oh, and this just melts my heart right down to the ooey gooey center.
2) He is stubborn and I like that he is stubborn. Yeah, stubborn in the vestibule at JC Penneys can be a little frustrating. But I am glad that he is a little guy who knows what he wants. He has a strength to his personality that I like. I think later in life it will be good for him. Just now, it's a bit of a pain in the ass for us at times.
3) He is incredibly bright. He can count to ten, he knows all of his colors, he can go through a book of animals and tell me what things are that I never realized he even knew like owl or lizard or penguin or jellyfish.
4) He's doing a great job trying to be a big boy with the potty and wore underwear for the first time today. I cannot believe my baby boy wore underwear! It was Ming-Ming underwear...as in Wonder Pets. He was so proud. Yeah, he wizzed in his pants a couple of times today but he also stayed dry in long stretches, too. So for that, we celebrate.
5) He is very polite. He says please, thank-you, sorry, bless you and excuse me.
6) Oh, and he also loves to point out when he and others fart (especially the dog.) It's hilarious. Yes, in this house we just love the bathroom humor. A good balance for all that politeness.
So, what is my point? I'm not trying to prove that I'm not a totally inept mother. In reality, I know that I am actually quite good at being a mom. I really do. But I'm also insecure. So, I guess what I'm saying is that I think it's ok to be insecure. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me or with him. It just means I'm living life and learning every day. I just want to be the best mom I can be, which sometimes gets me in a tizzy.
I may have mentioned before the story of when the hubby and I decided to have Bam-Bam but I think it bears repeating. I vividly remember our conversation. We went to Red Robin for dinner after work one summer evening more than 3 years ago now. I had been thinking for a while that I wanted to have a baby, which was something that I never thought I would really want to do. You see, my own childhood sucked and I was afraid of being a bad mom like my own. But something told me that being a bad mom is a choice and I could choose to give it my all, or go the way that my mom did. Anyway, that night at Red Robin, after having spent almost a decade with my beloved already and well into our 30's, I looked across the table to my hubby and said, "You know, I'm getting pretty bored with our life. Let's have a baby." Then and there we agreed to start trying for Bam-Bam...and it only took two months.
I'm not bored anymore. But you know what, it is a very good "not bored"....it's a total roller coaster but I wouldn't change it for the world.