Saturday, January 23, 2010


This post is something of a barf-o-rama. I think my friend Jen (aka. Huckdoll) likes to call it Thought Vomit. So let the purging begin. Trying to get it all out bile and all. Hot. Ok, maybe I should start over. Nah...let's keep going. My thoughts in no particular order:

Numero Uno: I have a cold for the third time in the last three months. Seriously, what the hell is up with this? Hey, at least this time it doesn't coincide with a major holiday. But for real, why does this keep happening? This is the worst I've had it in quite some time. Went 5 years without a cold before Bam-Bam was born. Oh well, better me than him. So far he remains perfectly healthy (save for the drippy boogers that he almost always has). So for this I am grateful.

Dos: I have decided that I am the crazy one. You know how you find yourself often exclaiming that someone is so crazy? Or why in the hell would she do that? Or why did she say that? etc, etc. I have decided that it's me. And it's you. We're all crazy. Or more accurately, we just don't have the perspective to see things from others point of view. So, really, you're crazy. No, I'm crazy. No, we're all crazy. And we all need to just take a chill pill and try to understand each other more. Could this make less sense? You philosophers out there will see this clearly. The rest of you - good luck.

Tres: To somewhat go along with the previous point, I have decided that it is total bullshit to judge other parents. I mean, unless you are that lady in Georgia who made her 12 year old kid kill his pet hamster with a hammer because he got bad grades, I ain't judging you. And no, I did not make that up. There are some very fucked up people out there and unfortunately you don't need any sort of skills or licensing to have a child - just the organs. Pity. I mean, you need a license to fish. Think about that. To get back to my point about judging, though, I find myself internally questioning other parents decisions all the time. Why do they let their kids sleep in their bed? Why doesn't that kid have a bed time? Why do they let the kid do this or that or whatever.... I'm quite sure they do it with me, too. I bet people wonder why my kid gets an M&M if he takes a whizz. Or why I don't just MAKE him eat his vegetables. And maybe we all do it because we're all aware that we have some shortcomings and it somehow makes us feel superior that we have some great epiphany about parenthood that our friend may not. In the end, if it works in my house or it works in your house....what the hell does anyone care? Unless I have to live in your house and deal with it, do whatever the hell you want. For real. I'm good. As long as your kids don't become serial killers, I think you're good.

No more Spanish: And so let's talk about grandparents for a second. I would like to know what that looks like exactly. Hubby and I have the lovely predicament that our Bam-Bam essentially has no grandparents. Oh, except the squeaky lady (my mom) who calls now occasionally from Tennessee and wants to pretend like she has a relationship with the kid when she barely sees him. Or wait, how about the old fart-deadbeat asshole that lives 20 minutes from our house and has seen our kid once in a year. Still, we have all kinds of cool Aunts and Uncles all around us. We don't need those wastes of space. I'm judging. Call me a hypocrite, but in this case they deserve the judgment. Trust me.

Five: I have decided that I am hopelessly addicted to Twitter, Facebook and all things involving the internet. Sometimes this is a good thing. Sometimes it really gets on my nerves. I guess it is better than being addicted to porn or black tar herion or something.

Alas, to go along with that last point I am afraid I must go. I am in the throes of assisting in planning a baby shower for my sister-in-law, which I want to be totally perfect for her. Wish me luck with that. I cringe at all of that flouncy chick stuff. But I am really, really trying. I hope it's a girl. That would really annoy my brother. Buwahahahaha!

If any of this made any sort of sense to you whatsoever and you care to comment, feel free. If not, I get it. I'm thinking it may not even make sense to me. Happy trails.

Saturday, January 16, 2010


Dear Bam-Bam,

In the span of about two weeks, you did this:

....and you took to it immediately.

And then this happened this morning:

We'll find out at nap time how that one goes.

Not to mention that you really don't like to sit in a high chair anymore and we probably need to get you a booster seat at Target this afternoon.


And even though I realize that you have to grow up and I am happy to watch you grow up. It also makes me just a little sad. Please forgive me. I can still feel you moving around inside of me. It seems like yesterday. And I look down at my belly, which by the way will never be the same because you stretched me out in a very unflattering way (and I WILL most certainly use that on you later), and I swear it's still moving. As it is you have always been unusually large for your age. You are off the charts and have been since the day we welcomed all 9 lbs, 8 oz and 22 1/2 inches of you. Hence the stretching. So in ways it's going faster for us than for other people with kids your age. I'm thinking raising the ceilings in our house could be in the future. If I close my eyes, I can somewhat imagine you as a man. I can somewhat imagine me having to crane my neck WAY up to see your beautiful face. But know this - you will ALWAYS be my baby. And I will always be the boss of you.

Ok, maybe not the last part.

I love you.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Quick Pimp of a Lunatic

For those of you who enjoy pop culture, random crazy shit and are not easily offended, check out my friends blog called The Rants and Raves of a Lunatic. Enjoy!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Ok, I Seriously Doubt That I Have Lurkers.....but......

Just in case anyone is out there hiding in the bushes...pop your little head in and say "hi." I promise not to bite. Much.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


My Uncle died the other day. Today was his funeral. He was a wonderful, sweet man. He was a lovely man. And being around the family the last few days has been nice, though I wish it was for a different reason. As is often the case when I get together with family, I also get a little melancholy. You see, I just don't fit in. And I really don't know why. And I really want to because I really want Bam-Bam to have a connection with a family bigger than just us. And it's not that anyone has ever been mean to me and told me that I don't fit in. It's a feeling. My brother has always felt the same way, too.

So, let me go back. My dad and his two older sisters were several years apart. In fact 10+ years between them, so they were a whole different generation. So the two oldest sisters had in common that they were around the same age and their families just naturally spent more time together because they were closer. Also, our parents were divorced when we were young so we didn't spend as much time with Dad's side as the other cousins because we were always going back and forth between parents, step-parents...a whole bunch of different places. So my brother, though the same age as 3 of his cousins, was kind of always the odd man out. His personality was also a little hard to swallow which also didn't help. And I, because I was one of the younger cousins, would hang out with my cousin Becky, who was my Dad's younger sister's kid. I know this is complicated so it's ok if you're not exactly with me. My Dad's younger sister moved to California and there went my playmate. It was terrible for me. At family gatherings after that, I would mostly hang out with my Dad. He was my best buddy anyway. I always enjoyed being with him. I adored him. He was the love of my life before my husband. Because he was divorced and my brother eventually moved away, we became a two-some at family gatherings. We were like peas and carrots, as Forrest Gump says. Sure, I would talk to people, but it was always a tad awkward.

The funny thing is that the "real" me is anything but shy. I mean, if you knew me now, you would think it was silly that I would feel awkward. In regular company I am a social butterfly. My job is to train people, for God's sake. I get up in a room in front of 10's or 100's of people. I'm confident, poised, even perhaps eloquent (at times), not to mention that I can be a stitch. But with my family it's different.

My dad died almost 11 years ago and when he died, a piece of me died with him. How can I be the peas without the carrots? So now it can be painful for me to be around everyone. I always feel like something huge is missing. And because Dad and I were a pair, I never mingled well with everyone. So now that I have a husband and a child, we are all on the sidelines. Or at least it feels that way. The rest of the family all seem so close to each other and I don't know how to break into that. I also don't want to force them to have a relationship with me if they don't want it. And I think I am always just a little cautious about putting myself out there too much with any of them lest I be let down and feel rejected. My brother doesn't come around anymore because he's still pissed about some stuff that went down with my grandma's will years ago when she died. While I supported him for a while, and still support his opinion and respect that he wants to keep his distance, I just couldn't stay away from this family that I love over something like money. It's not worth it. So, you see, I am still the odd man out.

I guess I got to thinking because of my Uncle's funeral today. He was such a great guy. Despite my own personal shortcomings or need to keep everyone at arms length, he never treated me any differently than anyone else. Did we have long conversations? No. In fact, it embarrasses me to say that I didn't even know what he did for a living until yesterday. But he always welcomed me. He always had a scratchy, bearded kiss for me. He was always sweet and welcoming and charming. And he was a beautiful person that, after hearing lots of stuff today at his funeral that I wasn't aware of, I sure wish I'd known him a whole lot better. I am ashamed that I didn't. We would have had a lot to talk about. We could have had some really great talks. But now we never can.

I want to know the other family better. I just don't know if it's too late. I feel like Ebenezer Scrooge on Christmas morning. I want another chance. And I don't want Bam-Bam to be on the sidelines. I want him to enjoy his family. And to know them. But how?

Monday, January 4, 2010

Things I Love About Being His Mom...Even Though He Drives Me Nuts

I am happy to report that my temporary insanity in my last post about Bam-Bam's crazy terrible two-ness is now over. No, the "Terrible Two's" are not guilt-ridden anxiety roller coaster has stopped...for now. I feel that perhaps in a moment of mental-momminess I have misrepresented my sweet little boy a tad. And I feel kind of bad for comparing him to the devil and Damian, etc (though it is the way I was feeling in the moment.) Yes - he is insane in the terrible two sense. Yes - he has his moments of going completely berserk. And when those moments occur one after another, I find myself questioning my abilities as a mother. And I kind of wonder if other mom's do the same thing, which I have a hunch they do. Or at least I hope so or else I am a complete loser. I start to think I am inept (i.e. the crumbs in the bottom of the chips bag).

BUT - I will also say that Bam-Bam for the most part is a darling little boy and a total pleasure to be with. Most of the time. Here are some things about my darling that are special and wonderful and things I love about being his mommy:

1) He is the most affectionate and sweet little sucker on the planet. Kisses, hugs and "I Wuv Oo, Mama!" ALL the time. Oh, and this just melts my heart right down to the ooey gooey center.

2) He is stubborn and I like that he is stubborn. Yeah, stubborn in the vestibule at JC Penneys can be a little frustrating. But I am glad that he is a little guy who knows what he wants. He has a strength to his personality that I like. I think later in life it will be good for him. Just now, it's a bit of a pain in the ass for us at times.

3) He is incredibly bright. He can count to ten, he knows all of his colors, he can go through a book of animals and tell me what things are that I never realized he even knew like owl or lizard or penguin or jellyfish.

4) He's doing a great job trying to be a big boy with the potty and wore underwear for the first time today. I cannot believe my baby boy wore underwear! It was Ming-Ming in Wonder Pets. He was so proud. Yeah, he wizzed in his pants a couple of times today but he also stayed dry in long stretches, too. So for that, we celebrate.

5) He is very polite. He says please, thank-you, sorry, bless you and excuse me.

6) Oh, and he also loves to point out when he and others fart (especially the dog.) It's hilarious. Yes, in this house we just love the bathroom humor. A good balance for all that politeness.

So, what is my point? I'm not trying to prove that I'm not a totally inept mother. In reality, I know that I am actually quite good at being a mom. I really do. But I'm also insecure. So, I guess what I'm saying is that I think it's ok to be insecure. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me or with him. It just means I'm living life and learning every day. I just want to be the best mom I can be, which sometimes gets me in a tizzy.

I may have mentioned before the story of when the hubby and I decided to have Bam-Bam but I think it bears repeating. I vividly remember our conversation. We went to Red Robin for dinner after work one summer evening more than 3 years ago now. I had been thinking for a while that I wanted to have a baby, which was something that I never thought I would really want to do. You see, my own childhood sucked and I was afraid of being a bad mom like my own. But something told me that being a bad mom is a choice and I could choose to give it my all, or go the way that my mom did. Anyway, that night at Red Robin, after having spent almost a decade with my beloved already and well into our 30's, I looked across the table to my hubby and said, "You know, I'm getting pretty bored with our life. Let's have a baby." Then and there we agreed to start trying for Bam-Bam...and it only took two months.

I'm not bored anymore. But you know what, it is a very good "not bored"'s a total roller coaster but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Sometimes I Think I'm the Crappiest Mom Ever

Do you guys have those times where you are on top of the world and it feels like everything is falling into place? Thing with your kids are working relatively have it under control....

And then...

It all goes to hell in a handbasket. In my case, I believe this is the Universe's way of telling me that I am not all that and a bag o' chips. I am probably just the crumbs in the bottom of the chips bag.

I have these times as a mom where I just feel like I am mentally retarded (no offense to anyone who actually is mentally retarded or challenged or whatever it is they are calling it these days). I truly think, though, that I am a complete dumbass when it comes to parenting at times. And I honestly do not understand how dumb people raise children without totally losing their minds. I mean, really, kids should come with a manual.

As you may recall, my son (Bam-Bam) is 2.5 years old. Which basically means that he is clinically insane and bi-polar. And I think he may actually be going through menopause. He's out of his goddamn mind. One minute he loved going pee-pee in the toilet. The next minute he is dragging his feet, pretending he doesn't hear me asking him to go potty. Then he just wants to do it with Daddy. Then he just wants to stand there and say, "No like it." All the while, of course, I have to remain calm and not pressure him - lest I totally f it all up and bring him back to square one. Which is very hard for me because I have the patience of a gnat.

Then we have the - now I think I'll have a meltdown at the store every stinkin' time we go - thing. Yeah. Yesterday we went to the mall. He did NOT want to walk inside and hold hands. No. He wanted Mommy or Daddy to hold him. Um, ok dude, you weigh 32 lbs and I have a bad back. Ain't no damn way I am carrying your little ass through the whole store. So, I tried to "prepare" him like all those useless piece of shit parenting books say. "Bam-Bam, when we get to the store you have to walk like a big boy and hold hands with Mommy." He agrees. Naturally. We get there and it is goddamn World War III. Right in the vestibule of JC Penney's. Lovely. But wait. It gets better. He eventually got over it yesterday and we went on to have a fun time at the mall. Today we went back to get shams for our new quilt (it's totally cute and a new look for our room...but I digress) and Damian (aka Bam-Bam) had yet another shit fit in the JC Penney's vestibule. This time we were in no mood for this crap. People were staring. And while those people can all suck it because they are not in my shoes, it's still embarrassing. We were "those parents" with "that kid". Happens to the best of us. Especially when the kid grows horns at a tail at approximately 18-20 months of age. We warned him that we would turn around and go home if he did not stop his behavior. He didn't stop. We left and went home. He was flabbergasted.

Anyway, this is all just grinding on me. I'm doing what I think are all the right things. It works for a while and then the little demon changes it up on me. He changes the rules. UGH! Why can't he just stay consistent. I suppose I will be asking this question for the rest of my life.

So, all you veteran parents out there - I am not too proud to ask for your help. What are some things that work for you? Or can you share a similar story so I don't feel like a complete asshole? Any insights, anecdotes, jokes, solidarity....anything. Help me not feel like a totally suck.